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A
Dog's
Diary
- 5:30
AM
Started
the
day
as
a
hero!
When
the
sound
of
the
newspaper
hitting
the
driveway
roused
me
from
my
deep
slumber
I
realized
that
no
one
in
the
house
was
yet
awake!
I
roused
my
master
by
licking
him
in
the
face.
He
appeared
very
angry
with
himself
for
having
overslept,
shouting
and
waving
his
arms.
His
ill
temper
even
seemed
directed
at
me
a
bit,
which
is
silly
since
I
saved
him
from
being
fired.
Funny
thing
though,
he
didn't
go
to
work
but
spent
the
morning
leafing
through
the
newspaper
and
drinking
coffee.
He
seems
to
do
this
once
a
week,
and
I
don't
know
why.
- 7:30
AM
Invaders!
The
people
who
live
next
door
came
out
into
their
yard,
obviously
getting
ready
to
lay
siege
to
our
house.
Snarling
and
barking,
I
let
them
know
in
no
uncertain
terms
that
I
was
prepared
to
tear
them
limb
from
limb
if
they
came
any
closer,
and
was
able
to
repel
the
invasion.
This
is
an
almost
daily
occurrence;
you'd
think
they'd
learn.
My
master
added
his
voice
to
the
fray,
yelling
angrily.
I
am
sure
the
people
couldn't
hear
him,
but
it
was
nice
of
him
to
lend
his
support.
- 1:00
PM
I
have
the
most
thoughtful
master
in
the
world!
While
it's
true
he
left
me
alone
in
the
house
for
several
hours,
he
did
set
out
a
treat
for
me
on
the
kitchen
counter.
It
was
even
gift-wrapped,
a
courtesy
I
wish
he'd
skipped,
since
it
led
to
me
having
a
lot
of
plastic
in
my
teeth.
The
roast
was
delicious,
though
frozen
in
the
center.
I
don't
want
to
seem
ungrateful,
but
crunching
through
two
inches
of
rock
hard
beef
is
not
my
idea
of
a
delicacy.
- 2:00
PM
Most
unpleasant
experience
when
my
master
returned
home
and
was
furious
that
I
had
not
eaten
the
plastic
wrap
which
had
been
covering
my
present.
He
kept
pointing
at
the
small
pieces
of
Styrofoam
and
other
debris
and
raving
in
a
most
irrational
fashion.
I'm
sorry,
but
he
should
know
that
I
can't
eat
that
stuff;
it
makes
my
stomach
upset.
When
he
began
rolling
up
newspaper
I
realized
he'd
lost
all
reason
and
bolted
for
the
front
door
which
had
been
left
open
a
crack.
- 4:00
PM
Spent
the
afternoon
with
the
girls.
A
most
productive
day,
I
was
able
to
mark
territory
for
two
blocks.
"Drip
'till
you
Drop"
is
our
motto.
We
had
a
small
snack
at
an
outdoor
cafe
we
like,
with
meat
scraps
and
bread
served
out
of
circular
containers
with
easily
displaced
lids.
Ran
into
that
rogue
Sebastian,
who
lifted
his
leg
with
irritating
nonchalance.
Does
he
think
we
don't
know
about
his
obsession
with
Muffy,
that
snotty
schnauzer
from
down
the
road?
Last
month
there
wasn't
a
male
in
the
neighborhood
who
couldn't
be
found
outside
her
fence,
and
Sebastian
was
at
the
head
of
the
pack.
- 5:00
PM
What
a
treat!
On
the
way
home
a
flock
of
ravens
drew
my
attention
to
a
squirrel
that
had
been
flattened
by
an
automobile.
After
several
days
in
the
sun,
the
aroma
was
so
delicious
it
made
my
nose
quiver.
I
rolled
in
the
wondrous
fragrance
for
several
minutes,
and
when
I
stood
up
I
positively
radiated
eau
de
roadkill.
- 6:00
PM
Of
all
the
times
to
get
a
bath!
My
master,
still
in
a
foul
mood,
made
me
stand
outside
in
the
chill
air
while
he
shampooed
and
rinsed
me
several
times.
Every
time
I
shook
the
water
from
my
fur
he,
too,
became
drenched
and
in
the
end
he
was
shivering.
Why
in
the
world
does
he
do
stuff
like
this?
- 9:00
PM
Time
to
sleep,
though
I
am
not
allowed
on
the
bed
whenever
anyone
is
home.
Ah,
the
life
of
a
dog.
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